INFIDELITY AND HOW TO GET OVER IT- 
FACTS AND INFO FROM BESTMARRIAGES.COM 

Sources:  Book “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, & research by Dr. John Gottman, Darren Wilk and Lawrence Stoyanowski.  .  

-         Only 10 % will marry their affair partner and then there is huge mistrust when married. If you leave someone and expect to have a long term relationship with the partner in the affair the chances are 1-2 %.  

-         Shirley Glass Says- infidelity is more likely to lead to divorce if the unfaithful spouse is the wife.

-         For women it only takes one liason and they are more likely to divorce- for men it takes a serious relationship to divorce.  

-         More likely to divorce if affair combined-type involvement which equals sex and emotional connection. Wives had more of this type of affair.

-         Women are more likely to have affairs with old flames, friends, neighbor,  

-         Most affairs are happening at work (in 1990 to present 50% wives had affairs at work. Between 1980-90  38% had work affairs.  

-         Chats are a real problem – partners are more accessible and it fills the need of emotional connection late at night when one of the partners has gone to sleep.

-         As many women are having affairs as men

-         When unfaithful wives were younger than 31 years old with no kids they were more likely to divorce after an affair

-         Men are more likely than women to separate sex and love.  

-         26% of men said that they could have sex without becoming emotionally involved only 3% if the women said the same.  

-         Two thirds of husbands and wives regarded falling in love as justification to have affair.  

-         Couples need to learn to distinguish “falling in love” and being in a love = “Mature strong love” = a committed long term relationship that is good enough and may not always be fantastic  

-         No one can compete with the excitement and novelty of an affair because it is Secret, dangerous, passionate and novel.  

-         Speaking of novelty – National Geographic – reports that the relationships that take place in exciting or novel environments create the same chemical reactions in the brain that feels like love. The newness and secrecy makes it feel like love.  

-         There is little reality to an affair because both partners are not in their normal environments.  

-         In the majority of the cases the spouse does not know about the affair.         

-         Most predictive emotional cues is not saying “I love you” to the partner anymore.  

-         Discloser of infidelity by women leads to divorce more frequently.  

-         Men who had mothers with philander issues exhibit pathological jealously and women with dads that were philanders tended to stay with their husbands if they were philanders as well

Getting over it.  

1. Get rid of all memento’s  and reminders
2. Make the farewell Final – partner needs to hear it and send the letters
3. Answer all unanswered questions- complete disclosure – if you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question do not ask  it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.
4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one -  do not minimize the others pain or avoid talking about it
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside- be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair. The imagination will always go to the worst case scenario. 
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner- Concretely end all contact. 
7. No secrets. (do not try to protect partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or "white lies" can sabotage the healing process and put you back at ground 0)
8. Prove that it is over – concrete evidence
9. Accountability- the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. I.E. Phoning partner on the hour or giving specific break down of days events. 
10. Respect boundaries. – behavior must change – create new safer patterns around the opposite sex
11. Loosen the cord-do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again. offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Remember: In order to get someone back do not chase or grovel and promise to be better. This creates a sense of – no challenge for the partner and gives your power away.  

Address the issues in the relationship;

1. Is the marriage too child centered
2. Deal with incompatible sexual interests
3. Build fun into the relationship with common interests

Forgiveness  

IS NOT...

1. Forgetting
2. Excusing or condoning
3. Is not reconciliation
4. Giving permission to continue in the behavior

IT IS…

1. A gift you give to self
2. A choice
3. Process
4. Letting go of obsessive bitterness
5. Letting go of pain- free yourself without minimizing the injury
6. Letting go of revenge

What is unforgivable?

-         Has the affair stopped?

-         Is there regret and remorse?

-         Beware of QUICK promises to change.

-         Repeat offenders  ???? Watch out for the addictive cycle.

Do not forgive too soon- Temptation to have Flight into health too quickly. EASY FORGIVENESS CAN BE PERCEIVED AS A LICENCE TO CONTINUE IN HURTFUL BEHAVIOR.  

Granting forgiveness

1. Acknowledge your own pain.
2. understand the personal weakness and emotional vulnerabilities
3. be specific about what you expect and what you cannot tolerate
4. Be specific about what you are forgiving your partner for
5. Perform an overt act of forgiveness verbally, physically, or in writing.
6. Stop blaming and start living.