Best Marriages

A Relationship is like a Fragile Ecosystem, Please Handle With Care. 
October vol 1: issue 10
I recently thought of another way to help couples understand the harmful effects of criticism, blame and personal attacks when in conflict discussion. The relationship needs to be seen like a fragile ecosystem.  It is a well documented fact in Dr. John Gottman’s research that couples that end up getting divorced are not necessarily super negative or critical.  In fact they are pretty good to each other half the time and half the time they say hurtful things or attack their partner.  The problem is they do not realize the destructive power of a negative conversation or statement. It takes 5 times more good stuff to make up for something negative, just to get back to neutral territory.  Research is clear that couples with good marriages spend 95% of their time being nice and friendly to their partner in their day to day routine and 83% in a conflict discussion.  This might seem extreme, but even at this rate they do not feel like they are over the moon in love, they just feel good about the relationship and more or less like each other.

Couples have to realize it does not take much, to destroy a week or a year of good times.  One really bad week can erase 5 good weeks.  What this means is be more careful with each other or expect to do a lot of making up, just to recover.   According to Pavlov, if you want to extinguish a certain good behavior just use a little shock therapy with the rat in the maze and it will very quickly learn to not go down that path again.  In order to encourage it to try that path again it will take a lot of cheese, Gottman’s theory holds true for rats as well.

The Bottom line is, relationships are always in a cost/benefit analysis and contrary to popular opinion are like a fragile ecosystem. I remember hiking in the Mount Saint Helens  area recently, and even though it has been over 30 years since the eruption the surrounding environment is still extremely fragile.  So much so that they were warning people that if they left the path, it could result in a $1000 dollar fine.  There were rangers everywhere keeping an eye out for transgressors.  I stayed on the path, but at times the mischievous person in me wanted to challenge the rule and touch the fringe, but out of respect and love for the beauty, we were surrounded with, I followed the rules. Relationships are no different.  No matter how long you have been together remember to treat the environment with care and stay on the path.  Please handle your relationship with care and be gentle with one another.  You will then be able to focus more on having fun and enjoying the beauty of your relationship.

Darren Wilk, MA, RCC and Co-owner of Bestmarriages.com

Knowing Your Partners Dreams Improves the Relationship!

Dr. John Gottman, one of the top relationship experts in the world, who has studied couples for 35 years and written numerous books on the subject has discovered that there is an signifcant correlation between knowing your partners dreams, hopes and aspirations and a happy marriage.  He called this concept “Building Love Maps” and it means creating in your brain cognitive space for information solely dedicated to your partner.  It is what you know about your partner and how well you remember it that matters. It is just like that saying “What have you done for me lately, That’s what matters”. You would never head out on a unknown journey with an old outdated map, yet we often feel that what we knew about our partner when we met him or her is good enough. Just like computers, people are changing and evolving all the time and we have to keep up by updating and downloading new maps of our partner’s world.  The more space you allocate for your partner the more they feel known and loved.  Doesn’t it feel good to have someone know exactly how to order your coffee at Starbucks?   The only way this happens is to ask questions and pay attention to your partner.

A couple recently posted on our website their secret for a happy marriage and it was so perfect it must be restated here.
The husband wrote “Subject: commitment and goal setting”
Message Body:
we were coming from totally different backgrounds and cultures, but realized a stat indicating 97% of couples entering marriage have no long or short term goals-just hoping for the best! He who aims at nothing usually hits it-a famous quote. Every year we have 3-4 getaway times where we focus on goals and aspirations, and measure our progress. Recently at one of these getaways we each took on an assignment-to list 100 dreams, wishes or goals. Absolutely amazing, in fact we are still talking (communicating) about it weeks after. We have been best friends for many years and realized the importance of having strong marriage mentors throughout our journey. I love our marriage.
This couple of course scored very high marks on the “Extreme Relationship Makeover Quiz “

A great movie about love and marriage is Don Juan Demarco.  In this movie Johnny Depp’s character ( who thought he was Don Juan Demarco) , was trying to help the character played by Marlon Brando (a psychologist trying to help him through his delusions) get closer to his wife of over 30 years.   What finally worked is when Brando said to his wife (Faye Dunaway) “What are your dreams?”  She got very emotional and said “ I thought you would never ask”.
Next time you see your partner, instead of asking them if they paid the bills, ask about their dreams yet unfulfilled and see what happens.

Darren Wilk, MA, RCC and Co-owner of Bestmarriages.com

Issue 2, Vol. 1 April Newletter

It is no secret that when couples come to marriage therapy they all have a secret fantasy.  Here is the scenario:  You are nervous about meeting the counselor and you are also wishing it didn’t have to come to this. You might be saying to yourself; “How hard can it be to make a relationship work, it should be natural, right?”  We must be the only couple we know that needs help talking.  We are mature adults; we know how to talk to our friends.  It is just that my partner is so stubborn he/she cannot see how right I am.  I sure hope the counselor can see this or else he/she is just as dense”. So here is the fantasy… Ready? You sit down and after about 15 minutes the counselor stops the conversation and announces that you should go for coffee and leave your partner behind because it is very obvious who the problem is and it is NOT YOU! He says… ” Give me an hour or so and I think you will be very happy with the result as I inform your partner of their shortcomings and how to fix them”.   Of course we all know this is just a fantasy and would never happen. However, here is something we have learned in helping couples connect. Changing your partner without divorcing them is possible and easier than you think.

Here is the secret… STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR PARTNER! It will never work.  You married this person, flaws and all and feel very lucky that you found someone who could handle you as well.  I know what you’re thinking… “I have grown up and changed over the years and my partner has continued to be the same person I married”.  However, they might be wishing you were still the same because that is who they loved in the first place.  The point is that you must accept that people change at different times in life and with different key motivators.  Change is a very personal thing and people have to be motivated from within to do it.  They also resist someone trying to change them because they have somewhat grown attached to themselves over the years.

So how do you get them to change? If you can accept the first point you may be ready for the next one.  People will Change only when they feel accepted for who they are. In other words, you need to communicate that you accept your partner just the way they are, flaws and all. At the same time you also ask them to change.  The key is how you do that.  The best way is to share your needs, wishes and desires with your partner and really let them in on why these are so important to you, and then leave them alone to think about it.  Do not make demands. Ultimatums do not work, they only create resentment.  You leave it alone and treat your partner like a friend.  I am sure that there are a lot of irritants that kind of bug you about some of your good friends, but you let it be, for the sake of the friendship. This is an important step that can lead to the last one.

Let them give you their change as a gift.

As you learn to express your needs your partner will have a better understanding of who you are.  Gently suggest an easy way to meet that need in a positive way. Once this ground work is laid the environment is set for your partner to respond.  This does not guarantee it, but it makes it more likely to happen, because now there is at least an opportunity for the partner to change and give you more of what you want as a GIFT.  That is right! A GIFT!  Now there is room for your partner to save face and make a change and it actually feels like a choice. In fact it feels like freedom and we all know how we value freedom.  By not feeling forced, it feels like a gesture of friendship and an offer that will be appreciated.  The person giving the gift gets a gift back because they have their pride intact and feel respected. Just think about how proud you feel of yourself when you have given the perfect gift and the other person is totally in awe that you guessed perfectly right. You may feel like you hit the jackpot! Well, that is what potentially can happen when you let your needs be known. Accept your partner and back off.  The possibilities are endless!!

Darren Wilk, MA, Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

Darren and Lawrence share some valuable insights on the Kid Carson show on the Beat 94.5 Vancouver’s most popular hits radio station.

Listen to Darren and Lawrence talk about what causes divorce!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

How to ruin Valentine’s Day…and potentially a perfectly good relationship!

Having been a certified Gottman Marriage counsellor for years and being married for 22 years you would think love, romance and passion should be second nature.  Well, it doesn’t and every year during Valentine’s Day I am reminded to reflect on how to keep the romance alive in a long term relationship. One way to ruin this awesome reminder is to excuse it away by saying, “It’s all about the commercialism…  I will show love when I want too, not when some saint says I should.” This could be a grave mistake. Trust me, I have made it too many times!!!

Create rituals of connection.

It is true that commercialism and insane mark-ups are everywhere whenever a special holiday comes around and it can really ruin the intention of the holiday in the first place.  (I am so cheap that I make sure I buy flowers one week in advance and never go to a restaurant on the actually day.)  So get mad and stomp your feet in rebellion about this insidious practice and then step back and think for a moment. 

Why is this tradition important for relationships? It reminds you every year to make sure you are remembering to celebrate the love you have with that someone special.  Research is clear that couples that develop rituals of connection that they can count on are healthier than ones that pretend that love, romance and passion just happen by some freak accident. Marriages that end in divorce or those that are stable but miserable often rely on a myth that if we are not fighting and avoid all conflict that fun, friendship and passion will just magically appear in their relationship.  This is simply not true, the Best marriages that have been proven to last recognize that the passion stays alive because they create Rituals of connection, to keep it alive.

Rituals of connection are anything that a couple chooses to make more purposeful in order to stay connected and have fun doing it.  Happy couples have special ways they start and end their days, they know what makes a great weekend for both of them and they build in activities that are they both enjoy into their lives.  They can count on a date or two a month, they know what each of them wants or don’t want when they are sick and they definitely have talked about how they go about initiating and refusing sex.  There literally are hundreds of informal and formal rituals that begin to define a couple.  Valentine’s day is just a yearly wake up call reminding us all to say “ I love you” and celebrate your union.

Make it your own, talk about what it means to you and ask your partner what it means to them.  And to the need to make sure you are aware for what keeps you connected. Most couples that come to therapy say they feel taken for granted and unappreciated.  Valentines is not just a day, it is a reminder to build into your daily life rituals you can count on.

One more thing… make sure you tell your partner how awesome they are and that you can’t wait til you can get your hands on them (in a good way).  Most of the time these loving thoughts stay in our head and rarely trickle past our lips.  When we at Bestmarriages.com counselling ask couples to say positive things about their partner they rarely have a problem coming up with three or four things to say from the previous week or two.  When asked if they verbalized this to their partner the answer is no but they did think about it. What good is that!!! If you don’t say it your partner cannot read your mind.  Make it a practice to catch your partner doing something right and tell them.  The results will speak for themselves.

Darren Wilk, MA, Certified Gottman Couples therapist

Kiro- TV interview with the Gottman’s is a perfect summary of why we are so excited about Gottman Couples therapy.

Watch KIRO-TV’s inspiring
interview with the Gottmans

Finally for the first time Gottman Level 2 training called Assessment, Intervention & Co-morbidities

January 30 to February 2, 2011 (4 days) is being offered in Canada and more specially Vancouver.  Darren Wilk and Lawrence Stoyanowski are two of only 8 Senior Gottman Therapists worldwide endorsed to present this workshop.  It will now make getting certified that much easier as Canadians will not have to travel to Seattle to deepen their understanding of this wonderful modality.

Darren and Lawrence are once again busy bringing BC the very best in Marital therapy trainings!!!

For the past five years Darren and Lawrence have been delivering Gottman Training workshops to hundreds of counselors in Canada. In fact they are the only ones in BC presenting these workshops.  The following workshop is only offered in Vancouver once a year and has been received positively by all who attend.

Bridging the Couple Chasm

Gottman Couples Therapy: A NEW Research-Based Approach!
Next seminar:
November 29th & 30th VANCOUVER, BC

Holiday Inn and Suites, Vancouver, BC
1110 Howe Street — 1-800-663-9151

Note: This workshop is a prerequisite to the level 2 training.

Also announcing Gottman Level 2:  Assessment, Intervention & Co-morbidities

January 30 to February 2, 2011 (4 days)

Affairs Happen…  now how do I survive?

There is probably not much more devastating to a relationship than an affair, no matter how big or small.  The contract two people had between them that was supposed to be unbreakable and impermeable has been broken.  The betrayed partner finds themselves wondering about who is this person I am with and have the past years all been a lie.  At Bestmarriages.com we understand this pain and work with couples weekly that have been through this.  You do not have to go through this alone or without tools to repair the unfathomable damage.  We gently support and guide both parties through this and help them understand the context of the affair.  We do not minimize the damage but we do believe there is a way to navigate through it and rebuild trust and faithfulness again.  Every area of the marriage has to be repaired as it has all been ripped apart.  Below are a few facts about affairs to begin to help you understand you are not alone.  Give us a call and we will begin to help put the pieces back together.  The research states that 80% of marriages that go though an affair surive!

Facts & Information from BestMarriages.com

As heard on CFUN Radio, September 22, 2006
Sources: NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass; research by Dr. John Gottman, Darren Wilk and Lawrence Stoyanowski.

Getting over it.

1. Get rid of all mementos  and reminders.
2. Make the farewell Final — the partner needs to hear it and send the letters.
3. Answer all unanswered questions: complete disclosure. If you are not sure you can handle the answer to the question, do not ask it. Explicit sexual details may do more harm than good.



4. Work as a couple together to repair the old wounds and flashbacks.  The unfaithful one should not minimize the other’s pain or avoid talking about it.
5. The offender needs to put the betrayed partner on the inside. Be completely open and do not leave room for your partner to fill in the blanks about details of the affair — the imagination will always go to the worst case scenario.
6. Cement the wall with the affair partner: concretely end all contact.
7. Keep no secrets: do not try to protect a partner from pain or hurt by keeping secrets. Any mistruths or “white lies” can sabotage the healing process and put you back at square one.
8. Prove that it is over with concrete evidence.
9. Accountability is important: the unfaithful partner needs to answer, for a while, to the other person. i.e., phoning the partner on the hour or giving a specific breakdown of the day’s events.
10. Respect boundaries. Behavior must change — create new safer patterns around the opposite sex.
11. Loosen the cord — do not keep them on a short leash forever. Autonomy is a must again, and the offended partner needs to learn to trust again and give space. No one can guarantee anything, however one still needs to trust for their own sanity. This is the paradox in life. You have to give trust to get trust.

Remember: In order to get someone back, do not chase or grovel and promise to be better. This creates a sense of “no challenge” for the partner, and gives your power away.

Address the issues in the relationship:

1. Is the marriage too child-centered?
2. Deal with incompatible sexual interests.
3. Build fun into the relationship with common interests.

Forgiveness
IS NOT…

1. Forgetting
2. Excusing or condoning
3. Reconciliation
4. Giving permission to continue in the behavior

IT IS…

1. A gift you give to self
2. A choice
3. A process
4. Letting go of obsessive bitterness
5. Letting go of pain to free yourself without minimizing the injury
6. Letting go of revenge

What is unforgivable?

Do not forgive too soon: there can be a temptation to have flight into health too quickly. EASY FORGIVENESS CAN BE PERCEIVED AS A LICENCE TO CONTINUE IN HURTFUL BEHAVIOR.  

Granting forgiveness

1. Acknowledge your own pain.
2. Understand the personal weakness and emotional vulnerabilities.
3. Be specific about what you expect and what you cannot tolerate.
4. Be specific about what you are forgiving your partner for.
5. Perform an overt act of forgiveness verbally, physically, or in writing.
6. Stop blaming and start living.